Jennifer's books

Goodbye, Vitamin
American Fire: Love, Arson, and Life in a Vanishing Land
Mrs. Hemingway
Poetry Will Save Your Life: A Memoir
The Princess Diarist
Watch Me Disappear
Hello, Sunshine
Peak Performance: Elevate Your Game, Avoid Burnout, and Thrive with the New Science of Success
A Man Called Ove
The Heirs
Our Souls at Night
White Fur
Confessions of a Domestic Failure
The Map That Leads to You
The Little French Bistro
Love the Wine You're With
Always and Forever, Lara Jean
Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore
The Party
New Boy

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Monday, June 12, 2017

The Time I Taught My Son the Meaning of a Cuss Word

Confession 1 – I am not a perfect parent.

Confession 2 – Sometimes I have a potty mouth.

So glad Jesus knows my heart and loves me anyway.

This past week was rough. We dealt with an ongoing stomach bug. One family member after the next immediately after returning home from a beach vacation. So in addition to vacation unpacking and laundry, I now had puke laundry and toilets to clean.

Thankfully, the bug was short lived. But, you need the back story.

On Thursday, I fell asleep for a much needed nap during my daughter’s naptime while my son sat beside me and watched tv. At some point, I was awoken to his panicked screams from the bathroom in the hall. I sat up and ran to the bathroom fearing the worst.

There it was. The toilet was overflowing. Everywhere. All my towels were dirty from said beach trip/stomach bug. And guess what I quickly learned? I don’t know how to use a freakin’ plunger! And my husband was out of town for the day in Charlotte.

In my attempts to unclog the toilet, I just made more gross toilet water come out of the toilet and onto the floor, my shoes, and my pants. Due to lack of sleep and frayed emotions, I went borderline crazy. I put my son on the phone with his father to give instructions while I stayed in the bathroom to work it out.

At this point, I apparently said, “Sh**” five times fast loudly. Around this time, my husband asked my son what mommy was doing. And Knox replied, “She just said Sh**, Sh**, Sh**, Sh**, Sh**!”

Yeah. I’m awesome.

I eventually called my dad to come rescue me from the overflowing toilet. He fixed it in less than five minutes. Of course.

During the same time, my dog, who was put up to avoid getting into the toilet water, peed and pooped all over her cage.

It was, to be blunt, a “crappy” day. However, I recognized I needed to have a little conversation with my son regarding the S-word.

***It should be noted he is 6 years old and very much into bathroom humor. He just read Captain Underpants and thought it was hilarious. If you are unfamiliar, it is full of bathroom humor including a scene where the heroes defeat the menace by using fake doo-doo.***

Me – Knox, Mommy said a bad word that you really shouldn’t repeat because it will get you in trouble.

Knox – What word?

Me – Shit. See, some words are mean versions of other words and are not appropriate in public. If you were to say that word at school, church, in front of adults, or in front of your grandparents, you will get in big trouble. It’s just a rule.

Knox – Why? What does it mean?

Me – (And here is my big fail) Well, it is like the meanest, ugliest way to say poop.

Knox – (clearly grinning and thinking) Well, what if I say Chit? You know, like “Chitty Chitty” 

Me – Like Chitty, Chitty, Bang Bang? That’s not the same word. So, yes, it is okay. You just can’t say shit.

Knox – (smirking) You got it, Mom.

Sorry in advance, friends. I have a feeling I lost this battle and “chit” will be said. 

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